The Anatomy of Doubt

“You are the most valuable project of your life.” Sifu Florin Szondi

For years I would have disagreed with that statement. I would have asserted that it was never about the ‘project’ of me… it was about justice, and righting wrongs, and serving the higher good, and about the truth coming to light. Now comes the realization that there is a single end result of all projects. Every effort I made, everything I was involved in, served, ultimately, to improve me.

The kingdom is within, as we all know, or ought to know, since we’ve been told in oh so many ways. All projects have to do with the kingdom.

We humans have many viewpoints about the improvement of Self. Your truth, my truth, his truth, her truth, the truth… is there any way of getting a grasp on what we’re all looking at? Some months ago I posted an article mentioning the value of telling the truth. I got a response back arguing that there is no ‘the truth’ – that all truth is relative… all we have is ‘our truth’.

All truth is relative? There is no such a thing as ‘The Truth’? Well one would think there is pure information and that would be The Truth. It is a mathematical universe that we are a part of; pure energy, pure light, not reliant on any human’s subjective interpretation. So of course there is The Truth, and that is The Love as well.

Is it possible for a human to experience it? Well, we would have to admit that the God Force is so beyond vast that the very concept of ‘vast’ becomes miniscule. And yet we are a part of it. A perfect replica – the holographic spark of it – is within. So perhaps a little fractional glimpse is possible. One would also presume that to get a glimpse, telling the truth, and knowing what the clean resonance of truth feels like as an internal vibration, would be most helpful.

We know when we’re telling a lie. We know the feeling of it inside. Some of us are comfortable with it… it’s such a habit that we don’t even twinge. But most of us who are traveling the warrior’s way, having been into ‘know thyself’ for a while, recognize that the lie points to a shadow aspect, there for a reason, be it self-protection or fear or manipulation… an aspect we need to shine some light on.

We live within a system structured of lies mixed with little bits of truth… very effective as a mind boggle. Quite a few people are seduced into dishonesty just to get along or to survive the rules and the laws and the programming. Quite a few others fight to expose the lies within the system, tirelessly researching, looking for facts, using critical thinking and our reasoning capacity.

But honestly, nowadays most of us doubt every single word spoken by ‘authorities’, we pick up on every fake smile, we dismiss every promise… we even doubt that those who sit ‘in high places’ would tell the truth to save their own kinfolk. This matrix we live in is a pretty good reason to keep doubt in the arsenal of weapons.

As a friend of mine recently said; appreciate the other side of the two-edged sword: fear/doubt. In this case doubt is even more useful than critical thinking. Fear empowers those bent on control, but doubt disempowers, which is a very good thing. Brilliant and subtle weapon indeed, and it could be the one that takes it down.

I actually had a very enlightening conversation with that friend about belief and doubt. Such a conversation seeks the truth and stimulates growth, and that is what makes it so precious.

Belief and Doubt: With regard to ‘consciousness work’ doubt is kind of a dirty word. We might investigate, consider, question, analyze, debunk, dismiss… we might even confess to feeling insecure or unsure. But doubt is a heart thing, not an intellect or ego thing.

Under certain circumstances one might even put doubt in the same spiritual room as melancholy and lonesome – a seed room of reflection, creation, and personal power. To avoid this seed room, might just be avoidance of vital aspects of the human divinity spark.

So looking at doubt not as a weapon, but as feeling/information/energy in the consciousness lexicon, can we let it in? If we do let it in, will it help us in our project of self-knowing? To answer that, first let’s ask… under what circumstance is doubt a detriment?

The obvious one would be when it mires one in indecision. This is a pretty simple no no. Just as melancholy or lonesome can be deeper creative states; enter, experience, and then exit with insight – so must be doubt.

Also obvious as a potential detriment is the relationship with belief in Self. Belief in Self is the warrior’s way. Motivated by belief, we get up in the morning and live life… as consciously as we can. Believing is vital, as is trust and faith. Doubt will collapse the Belief energy, and that is why we look upon it as weakness or even something like ‘unholy’. What we might want to examine is whether there could be a higher purpose for an occasional collapse.

Another reason doubt may be frowned upon is that we seek a constant state of happiness with a litany of affirmations. I see that as a bit self-deceptive. Happiness and joy in life is wonderful, healthy, strengthening, motivating, highly valuable. And yet, from time to time, there will be valuable conditions of the heart other than happiness.

Now I want to go to some thoughts that were stimulated by the conversation I mentioned. First we’ll look at the higher purpose for the occasional collapse of belief, using the example of the Great Master and esoteric teacher, Jesus of Nazareth. Question: did Jesus ever change his intention?

Most would probably say no, but we can piece together some parts of the story that tell us he did. There came a point where he realized that the people he had come to teach weren’t ready for his information. He had come out of due season and he recognized that. He told those who understood his teachings that he would have to go, but that he would return again, when the time is fulfilled. What humility there, what honoring of truth, what reflection, what divinity.

And now to the final question: Did Jesus doubt? Yes, we know he did. We know about the love one another, and the faith, and the promise of the kingdom, and the truth shall set you free, and the manifestation of miracles, and the submission to mockery, and “why hast thou forsaken me,” and then the surrender and the transformation.

Simply contemplating this information is so real from a ‘you are the most valuable project of your life’ perspective, that it makes our adherence to your truth, my truth, his truth, her truth, seem small and short-sighted. Belief in Self is vital, but belief itself cannot be set in stone. Keep growing.


Thank you to my friend Soren for the inspiration.

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